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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25912060">Guilt</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twas_Brillig_and_slithy_toves/pseuds/Twas_Brillig_and_slithy_toves'>Twas_Brillig_and_slithy_toves</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Secrets and Hidden things [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics), Young Justice (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Breaking promises but from Wally's point of view, But not for the lack of trying, Dick Grayson Angst, Dick Grayson Has Issues, Hurt No Comfort, Post-Invasion, Self-Harm, Spitfire is there but not the main thing, Triggers, Wally West Angst, Why Did I Write This?, Worried Wally West, set after The Invasion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 02:40:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,851</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25912060</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twas_Brillig_and_slithy_toves/pseuds/Twas_Brillig_and_slithy_toves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Wally West wasn't dead. He hadn't been obliterated into a million pieces or just suddenly ceased to exist. Though some days, like today, he wished that he had been.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Artemis Crock/Wally West, Dick Grayson &amp; Wally West</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Secrets and Hidden things [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1880539</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>129</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I don't own anything.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Wally West wasn't dead. He hadn't been obliterated into a million pieces or just suddenly ceased to exist. Though some days, like today, he wished that he had been.</p>
<p>At first, he wasn't sure where he had been, time and space made no sense. He hadn't been sure that he hadn't died and this new after existence was just something he couldn't understand. Images people flashed by at speeds even too fast for him to see and too fast for anything to make sense. Half the time, he had just been left curled in on himself as the sensation made him feel nauseous and like he was somehow splitting all at once. When he managed to stand despite the sensations, it felt like he was going to spin his way off the planet and it was somehow worse than the other feeling.</p>
<p>It seemed like years crawled by- only it seemed like moments. All he knew that was slowly over time, the images and sensations he felt started to slow until suddenly the pictures he saw and the things he felt were steady. Wally could finally breathe clearly and without pain again, though he hadn't been prepared for the world that awaited him.</p>
<p>The first thing he had noticed was that he was much faster than he was before. He was used to being the slowest of the speedsters but he had been pretty sure that he could give Barry a run for his money. Of course, that joy he got from the revelation had almost immediately petered out when he realized that no one could see him. Not only that, he also seemed to be out of phase because even when he wasn't speed running he could easily walk through walls like they weren't there... And people.</p>
<p>The next big revelation had happened when he had gone to see Artemis, his Spitfire. The second he had seen her, he knew. Wally saw it in the new lines on her face, the fact that her hair was several inches longer and just the look in her eyes. Time had passed. A long time had passed since he had seen her last, since he had held her last.</p>
<p>Wally had spent the next few weeks hanging around Barry, trying to get him to see him, but no matter how fast Barry ran, no matter how hard Wally tried, he couldn't seem to move anything. Couldn't seem to grab Barry's attention and Barry also didn't seem to notice him. Neither did the other speedsters. Over those weeks, he had slowly accepted the fact that he might never be in sync with everyone else again and he might have to just watch everyone rather than actually be with them. It hadn't been easy. Nothing since coming back had been easy but he hadn't known how bad it would get back then.</p>
<p>Next, he had visited his parents. They couldn't see him either. It had hurt more than when Barry couldn't see him. He stayed with them for a few weeks, though time was harder to quantify in this new existence. Sometimes, he blinked and what seemed like weeks to the inhabitants of the world he wasn't a part of passed, and the only way to tell was the physical changes of those he was watching and the world. Once he blinked looking at a world fall of orange, red and yellow leaves and the next thing he saw was a foot of fresh snow on the ground. During the time he spent in his childhood home he watched his parents. Watched them when they thought no one was watching.</p>
<p>He could see the sadness in their eyes when they looked at his picture on the mantel. Wally could see when his mother started crying when she came across an old toy of his behind the piano because they were finally selling it, something his mother had always talked about doing but had never actually done. His father though had come down when he had heard the sound and held her. Despite their sadness, Wally could see that they were healing and that they were on their way to being okay, even if they weren't quite there.</p>
<p>Artemis had been next. He had spent enough time with her until he was happy that she too was healing. His Artemis, his beautiful Artemis actually seemed to be doing well. She was back in school working on finishing her degree, while still having time to throw on her tigress suit. His Spitfire was making friends and while he could see a shadow of sadness in her eyes that he hadn't seen before, he was pretty sure, that in time, she would also be okay.</p>
<p>That was when he became concerned about the other people in his life. He had flashed around the world, to see if anyone else had died or been seriously hurt, before he had gone to see Barry, but he hadn't really done anything more than take a cursory glance at any of them. Thankfully, most of them had been really easy to check on. He simply had to wait by a zeta beam in Central City till someone came to use it. M'gann, Conner, Kaldur, seemed to be all healing as well, as well as the rest of the team. All except for one person.</p>
<p>Dick. Dick hadn't been with the others. In fact, Wally had to come to Bludhaven to find him, and ever since Wally had found Dick, he had barely left his side, especially lately.</p>
<p>Dick, unfortunately, wasn't healing. Not like the others. It wasn't just his 'death' though, Wally could see it in his eyes, especially on rainy nights. Something bad had happened to Dick while Wally was gone. Something Dick was obviously not talking to anyone about, since he rarely seemed to be talking to anyone at all. Except for work and for patrol which he seemed to only communicate with Oracle. and rarely Bruce.</p>
<p>It was wrong. Everything about this was wrong. Dick needed to talk when things were bad or else bad things happened. Like it had when he was a teenager when Bruce had kicked him out. Dick sometimes needed to be prodded at to talk, especially when things were really bad but the man needed someone to be there to touch him to tell him things would be okay.</p>
<p>Only Wally couldn't.</p>
<p>He couldn't hold him, he couldn't even touch him or tell him that he was here for him. All he could do was watch him. Watch him slowly falling apart. Watch him slowly neglect his health using caffeine pills to stay awake. Watch him thrash in his sleep, muttering words like 'Blockbuster' and 'Tarantula', words Dick refused to speak except in the smallest of whispers when he was awake. Slowly watch him eating less and less and falling more and more.</p>
<p>Tonight was one of the bad ones for his friend. Most nights lately have been bad ones for Dick. It was raining and Dick had returned to his steadily getting dirtier and dirtier apartment much earlier than usual, with a look in his eyes Wally hadn't seen since he was a teenager. A look that had broken Wally's heart the first time he had seen it and again broke his heart to see it now settled on Dick's face. A look of hopelessness, a look so bleak it didn't belong on the usually happy birds face. Most people didn't know that Dick struggled with depression, especially when cut off from the people he cared about. But Wally did. Wally had and he hadn't told anyone.</p>
<p>Guilt had been his constant companion ever since he had been reunited with his old best friend. Guilt that he had known about Dick's depression and hadn't told anyone. Guilt about how he had reacted during The Invasion. He had been so focused on Artemis, the love of his life, he hadn't seen or didn't even want to see the strain of both leading and lying would have put on his best friend. Most of what he had said to Dick during that time had been so angry and Wally, of course, had never gotten to apologize...Wally could see it eating away at him. Could see Dick wake up from dreams crying with tears in his eyes and Wally's name on his lips. Guilt that he was the only one who knew how bad things were with Dick, but he couldn't even tell anyone that Dick was suffering, and that there was nothing he himself could do, no matter how many times he had tried.</p>
<p>When Dick opened his weapons panel in his wall and his eyes focused on a blade, Wally's eyes widened, as he knew as if Wally was suddenly psychic what was about to happen even before Dick took it out of its casing.</p>
<p>"No Dick," he whispered, even though he knew it would make no difference if he shouted it from the top of his lungs. This was what he had been worried about ever since he had seen Dick starting to fall apart but some small part of Wally was hoping that Dick wouldn't return to this. Especially considering how bad it had gotten before Wally had found out.</p>
<p>But, of course, Dick couldn't hear him, any more than he could the last one hundred times Wally had tried to talk to him, to let him know that he was there, that he was sorry, that he cared. Instead, he tried again to desperately affect an object. Wally had tried many times before but never could, though it should be easier than effecting something organic. If he could just use Dick's phone, call someone and let them hear what was happening. Maybe they would come. Maybe they would stop what was about to happen before it started. Wally focused every part of his being trying desperately, if only for a few moments, being able to hold the phone just long enough to access Dick's contacts but like every other time failed. Wally couldn't even budge the phone. Worse than a ghost.</p>
<p>Wally looked up just in time to watch Dick stroke the knife's edge whispering, "Wally." Wally felt cold, really cold, and fearful, he knew if he couldn't stop this now, by the time someone else did it might be too late. It had almost been before. "I'm sorry," Dick said, his voice trembling more than a little.</p>
<p>"Dick, no, don't," Wally said, walking towards his best friend, his hands up trying to appear non-threatening, despite knowing that Dick couldn't see him. Even if Dick was talking to what he probably thought was Wally's ghost.</p>
<p>"I'm really sorry," Dick said as he moved the knife to his upper arm. Wally in a rush of desperation made his way to Gotham, to the cave in a matter of seconds. Batman wasn't in the Batcave, just Tim, in his new uniform, looking at case files.</p>
<p>Wally had figured out what had happened to the bat family pretty soon after he had come to Bludhaven, to figure out why the bats hadn't stepped in and fixed Dick when he had clearly needed them. Where were the famous bat brothers who always had each other's backs? Logically, Wally knew it was a bit more complicated than that. That the bat's had a very difficult year but right now he didn't care. All he currently cared about was in a cold, dingy apartment in Bludhaven, about to fall into a darkness Wally never wanted to see him in again.</p>
<p>"Help him!" he shouted at Tim's back desperately. Hoping, more than any other time that just this once, someone would hear him, even if they never heard him again afterward. Even if Tim thought Wally was an illusion or hallucination. "Dick needs your help!" Wally repeated desperately, trying to grab the younger man's shoulders. Hoping that if he couldn't hear, he might at least feel him but, as usual, Wally went right through the bats' body.</p>
<p>Wally just stared at the back of Tim's head for a few moments, trying to will Tim into finally being able to hear Wally, so he could know. Wally was pretty sure if Dick just told his brothers, or if they were told, any of them, how much he needed them, they would come, no matter their other problems.</p>
<p>But, of course, Dick was stubborn. All the Bats were. It was his favorite and least favorite thing about them. How many times had Dick needed help? Needed him before Dick had just been too sloppy and had accidentally let himself be caught when he was 17? How many times had Dick said that he wasn't sick or injured and it turned out that he had broken a bone? Or had a temperature over 100? It was like admitting any weakness was just not the bat thing to do. Wally had more than once cursed Bruce for how he had raised his kids. It was probably also why they hadn't talked about their other issues as well.</p>
<p>Wally let a sigh of frustration. Tim obviously couldn't hear him, wouldn't be coming to help.</p>
<p>Wally only had one other idea of who to try that he didn't think would make it worse.</p>
<p>This trip took a little longer but still in a matter of minutes he was where he wanted to go. When he needed a break from watching Dick destroy himself slowly or Dick was at work, he spent a lot of time here. It really wasn't really weird anymore that Artemis decided to live with Roy, now Will. Other than the fact that Wally sometimes caught Will eyeing Artemis in a less than brother-in-law like fashion.</p>
<p>But right now, none of that mattered. Artemis was wearing pajamas and watching a tv show he recognized after a brief look at the screen. It was late at night, though not nearly as late as it was in Bludhaven due to the time difference. Part of him just wanted to sit next to her and pretend for a few moments that this was a normal night. That the two of them were watching a late-night show after staying up for hours working on papers. That had happened quite a few times during their school years living together. Normally, he would smile when he thought of those long nights but not tonight.</p>
<p>"Babe, I need you to hear me! Just this once I need to hear me. Dick needs your help! He needs someone!" He shouted, willing everything inside that if she could only hear him once she would hear him now... but she just kept watching Supernatural. Wally deflated immediately knowing that there was nothing he could do to stop it, there was nothing he could do. The only thing he could do was watch.</p>
<p>In a matter of minutes, he was back in Bludhaven, watching rivulets of blood stream from his best friend's upper arm, watching as a strange but familiar numb look took over his friend's face.</p>
<p>Maybe this was his punishment? Watching his best friend, waste away, slowly crumbling away without being able to do anything to help him.</p>
<p>Maybe Wally <em>was </em>dead and this is what Hell was.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I thought of another thing to add so I'm adding another chapter I might be adding a few more chapters but I'm going to keep it as complete.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dick had been in there for an hour and Wally was worried. Granted, he seemed to always be worried about Dick ever since he came back. Normally he wouldn’t violate Dick’s privacy in the shower but it had been an hour and Wally was worried that Dick was either hurting himself or was going to soon.  </p><p>With some trepidation, Wally stepped through the door of the bathroom. The shower curtain was still pulled so he couldn't exactly see anything, so after a moment he stepped into the curtain. Wally kept his eyes rigidly away from his nether regions but scanned Dick’s body for new injuries. Thankfully there were no new ones but the newish ones were a clash of scabs and red angry scars along with some bruising.   </p><p>Granted if he hadn’t watched, some of them he probably wouldn’t be able to distinguish from the wounds he got on patrol. Dick seemed to be happy to let bad guys do some damage to his body as well. The first Robin was a lot sloppier than usual but that might just be because he wasn’t sleeping. His skin, where not injured, was very pink nearly red. Wally noticed with distress that the heat was on very high. Dick’s arms were curled slightly around his chest and abdomen.  </p><p>“Dick why are you doing this yourself?” he whispered, not that Dick would have heard even if he shouted it. Wally turned slightly and noticed that Dick’s eyes were boring into the shower floor and vacant like he was lost in thought. Did Dick even know how long he had been in the shower?   On second thought, even though the dial set to hot Dick was slightly shaking and Wally really wished he could feel temperature because he had a feeling that the water had gone cold. Cursing he reached for the dial, only to curse again as he realized he couldn't turn the shower off. Dick was possibly getting hypothermic and there was nothing Wally could do. he let out a cry of frustration and worry and clenched his fists tightly to his sides.  He wasn’t sure how much longer he could do this, could watch this.  </p><p>The man in front of him knees caved in and he all but collapsed onto the floor of the shower, causing Wally to rush forward for a few seconds only to stop inches from Dick remembering that he couldn’t actually touch him. But it was only because he was so close to him that he heard the words whispered from Dick’s mouth as he moved his arms around his knees shaking a little more.   </p><p>“Don’t touch me, I’m poison.”  Wally did not like the sound of that, especially along with the shaking. What had happened to Dick?! Wally wished he could ask him, demand him to answer if he tried to evade the question. The shaking was increasing and Wally's fingers slipped into his short red hair and he pulled it as he didn’t know what to do, how to do this...be here if there was nothing he actually could do to help. </p><p>Dick curled further into himself and started muttering barely audible. </p><p>“I didn’t…. ...I don't…I didn’t...I don’t  want...don’t touch me…” The blood in Wally’s veins went cold. No, that couldn’t be, what it sounded like. “Don’t...I don’t want...please don’t.” No. No. That couldn’t be what it sounded like. Not to Dick, not to his best friend. “My fault...my fault….I killed…she...I...he.” Dick wasn’t making much sense almost every other word was punctuated by a hitched breath or just silence. Maybe it wasn’t what it sounded like...he certainly didn’t have the whole story but the way Dick was trembling and burying his face into his knees and the fact that there was this cold pit in the center of his stomach... </p><p>Wally knew there was something wrong...something that Dick wasn’t talking about not even alone, but it couldn’t be that? Not that. Because this was Dick, his best friend and little brother who often seemed both older and wiser than him and this couldn’t have happened to him...it just wasn’t possible. He was Dick Grayson. The first Robin and natural-born leader even if Dick hadn’t actually become leader until he was a bit older. He was always happy....but he wasn’t. </p><p>Wally knew that he wasn’t, that something was wrong. Obviously something had happened since he was having some kind of flashback or panic attack or both. He seemed to be lost in whatever had happened and unaware of anything, not that he knew that there was anything to be aware of. Wally wanted to snap him out of it. To hold him close, to tell him that everything was going to be okay and then make sure that it was. He wanted to pull all Dick’s friends and family together and make them aware that the first Robin needed them even if he would never admit it. Wally wanted to make that look on Dick’s face, that occasionally peeked out from his arms, that was tearing at his heart. Go away, banish it back to the darkness that it came from.</p><p>But he couldn’t….he couldn't do anything except watch his friend fall further into his own darkness. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The TV was playing a rerun of Friends, there go to when they were trying to avoid homework for another night or even just for another hour. They were together on the couch just inches apart and Wally smiled as he listened to the jokes and the canned laughter and Artemis' chuckles. It was a peaceful feeling, a rare commodity since he had come to Blud-. No tonight was about this, about Artemis, about TV, comedy, and peace.</p><p>He looked away from the Tv to Artemis, noticing that her blonde hair seemed to shimmer in the light of the tv and he marveled at how pretty she was. How did he ever get her? He loved her so much. Missed her so much. No! This night was about peace! About being at peace for the first time in a long time. He scooted slightly closer to her ignoring this time, the lines on her face. The face that he had fallen in love with much slower than any other crush he had and had fought against more than a little at times.</p><p>If he didn't touch her, he could pretend that it was just a quiet night in and Artemis just wanted a little space… Except that he wanted to grab her hand. He could imagine it, what would happen. Artemis would turn her head slightly to and smile briefly at him and then look back at the show and he would be able to feel her warmth, be able to breathe it in, breathe her in. He would be able to feel her and her him and they could just be, be happy…be together and happy.</p><p>But he couldn't. Who knew if he ever would be able to again. The illusion shattered and Wally stopped watching the TV and instead took in Artemis. She was happy, at least at the moment. Would she be happy if she knew? Knew that he was here unable to talk to her? Knew that more than almost anything he wanted to hold her tightly in his arms and never let her go again.</p><p>...Knew that he had left Dick alone. Nearly all the feelings of warmth he had gathered by being here with Artemis immediately dissipated as he was reminded why he was here again. It was raining again in Bludhaven. It had been raining a lot and he knew that for whatever reason rain was definitely a trigger to whatever had happened to Dick. He really hoped it wasn't what he feared it was. Oh god! What if it was what he feared it was? Dick was dealing with it alone, almost always alone and he had left him there...all alone. He was the only one who knew what was going on with him and he had left him there completely alone when he knew it was a bad night, when something terrible could be happening to his best friends as he sat there watching a comedy he had seen several times before.</p><p>He stood up from the couch and started pacing in front of the TV, his eyes flickering from Artemis to the window in the direction of Bludhaven...where Dick was. He turned in tight circles, pacing fast enough that if he wasn't stuck out of phase he would probably be wearing a hole in the carpet. Of course, if he wasn't stuck he wouldn't be in this situation anyway.</p><p>"I know what you're going to say. What am I doing here with you when I know Dick is falling apart?" Wally said as he paced, he said it quickly enough that even if Artemis could have heard it he wasn't sure that she would be able to understand his words. Regardless he didn't pause or slow down his words as he continued.</p><p>"There is nothing I can do to help him and watching him fall without being able to do anything is... Wally spent a few moments rooting for the best word to describe it, to describe the feeling of helplessness he felt every time Wally watched Dick fall deeper into the pit of darkness that surrounded him.</p><p>"Excruciating." Wally finished but still wasn't adequate, it left out so much. It left out the hollow achy feeling in his core he felt whenever he saw Dick. The fear and worry that Dick was getting so bad that one day he may accidentally or on purpose stop <em>being.</em> The word left out so much that he didn't know how to describe to Artemis or really even to himself. He stopped pacing abruptly and looked down at Artemis who looked right through him. He bent down so that they were on the same eye level, though he wasn't really sure why.</p><p>"He's not getting better and I can't help him," Wally admitted softly. Maybe he just wanted Artemis to say she understood, absolve him of his guilt. Of course, she didn't, she just kept chuckling at the episode playing on the other side of him. He wanted to grab her hand, wanted to talk to her, wanted her to help him with this or even just say the words aloud and know that she was listening to him. He wanted her advice.</p><p>"You would probably know what to do if you were me," he said softly reaching up to tuck a stray hair behind her ear but stopped before touching her. She always seemed to know what to do. She would know how to deal with the fact that the youngest member of the original team, their younger brother, was clearly not doing okay. She would make everything okay.</p><p>"I love you...I really wish I could talk to you...ask your advice," he said softly fingers inches away from her face. He really wished he could feel her warmth, and just feel her, just be with her. But despite his sacrifice, the universe seemed to hate him. Maybe it was right to. Wally was a coward and a terrible friend. Why else would he be hiding out here rather than with Dick?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Wally was back in Bludhaven, even if part of him wished that he had stuck with Artemis. He watched as Dick exited the bathroom with wet hair less than five minutes than when he headed in. Dick set a timer now for showers, five minutes but he knew it wasn’t for the sake of water conservation or even saving money. Dick was rich from his trust fund and even if he had money troubles Bruce was a billionaire. After the shower incident, Dick tried to be near or under water as infrequently as possible.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The darkness under his eyes was startling prominent but that was probably because Dick had just come out of the shower. The small but dark bruise under his left cheek was also showing as well from last night patrol when a low life street criminal somehow managed to get Dick. Dick was slipping in a big way. There should have been no way that the thug should have been able to touch Dick since he usually was so fluid, he looked more like he was dancing. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His eyes though, his eyes were the worst. The look in them, the almost empty but also held a hint of ... despair. Dick should never look that way.   Dick turned those eyes on his near-empty cupboard. They had been near empty since Wally had come to Bludhaven, Dick only went shopping like once a month and never bought near enough. The cupboard doors weren’t opened though and Dick instead set his sights on his coffee maker. Despite the fact that it was 11 am Dick had of course stayed up until 6 AM and that was one of his longer nights of sleep. Dick drank the coffee like it was water. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How many times have you told Tim to take it easy on the coffee or switched it with decaf?” Wally asked the man who simply stared down in the cup of joe.  Honestly, half the time he wasn’t sure why he bothered. Dick couldn’t hear him, couldn’t respond and even if he could he probably just come up with excuses and try to ignore it again only to become slightly better at hiding it. Wally winced. That was maybe a little pessimistic.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>True though</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Wally pushed the pessimistic voice to the side. Dick didn’t even glance back at the cupboards before making his way back into the bathroom. Wally didn’t follow him, didn’t have to he had seen it enough times to know what he was doing in there. Dick kept a bag of makeup, that wasn’t all that strange, makeup was pretty essential to those on the team to cover injuries so that no one in their regular civilian life knew. Wally never had to not with his speed healing but he had seen both Dick and Artemis over the years. Never this consistently with his best friend and he was good at it.  Good enough that a bar full of cops didn’t notice. Of course, there was another reason that they never noticed.  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Twenty minutes later Dick was dressed and looked totally normal and ready for work. At least Wally didn’t have to worry about him at work. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>The thing about Dick was that he was a great actor. It was startling how good Dick was at acting. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span> Wally supposed he had known before he had come back, back when Dick was the leader when Artemis was undercover and nothing slipped until other people found out. Wally had been so mad at the time he didn’t try to look underneath to see how much that stress and acting like Batman who Dick didn’t want to be was affecting him.  </span>
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<p>
  <span>Wally was reminded of it though as he watched Dick finish out his shift. Dick was a bartender at a cop bar and looking at him you would never guess that there was anything wrong with Dick. He was so talkative and friendly, but not too much as he subtly fished for information about the criminals that Nightwing was going to go after in his late late night job. No one seemed to notice the facade that Dick was presenting because it was so effective that Wally only knew because he saw what was behind the mask every night when Dick came home. </span>
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  <span>The mask firmly stayed in its place even as Dick said goodbye to regulars and coworkers as his shift ended and he and a couple of his few other coworkers who were lucky not to have to close the bar made their way into the park lots. One of his coworkers made a joke and Dick’s body laughed and you would believe it’s every line and movement except for the second Dick stepped into his car with its tinted windows and everything on his face including his laugh that he was in the middle of immediately died on his face leaving only that familiar look of nothing and a shred of the despair that suddenly became clear and unhidden whenever he thought he was alone. </span>
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  <span>The difference, how quickly it took place had been so surprising and jarring the first time he had seen it but he was unfortunately slowly growing used to it. Wally wasn’t sure how he did it but if he had to guess years of being Robin's years of hiding hurt and weakness that villains could use to destroy you especially in a place like Gotham and then Bludhaven. What kind of person would Dick be if he hadn’t grown up in Gotham...especially as Robin who had earned the nickname boy hostage-the nickname had seemed funnier before than it did now.  </span>
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  <span>Nothing much seemed funny anymore. </span>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the fact that this is both short and it's been a long time since I wrote one of these.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Wally would love to drop kick Dennis off a cliff, or at least into a large body of water. Dick never reapplied the magic that had mostly sweated off during patrol when he went to the gym, and there is no way that a sane person would let Dick keep going to the gym day after day looking sweaty and exhausted, often injured the way Dick did. But Dennis barely even looked up at him. He never did. Always just sat on his fat ass watching his phone. Didn’t look his fat nose up enough to even feign concern as Dick was lifting half his body weight with a sprained shoulder, from all things a fall, not even a bad guy attacking him.  </p><p>A fact that he was again misattrubuting. </p><p>Dick was a smart guy, once mathlete, and leader who could think on his toes with the best of them but he seemed to be missing a big memo. Dick had realized the reason he was losing more and more was because he wasn’t as strong as he used to be but he was totally wrong on what would actually help him.  Dick seemed determined that it was a lack of dedication and was wearing himself out even more every morning after patrol.  The fool didn’t seem to realize that it was the fact that he wasn’t sleeping or eating enough and that if you’re not eating enough and still working out then the calories have to be pulled from somewhere-like muscle. </p><p>Wally really wished he could rip the barbell right out of his stubborn friend’s hand and force him to go to bed at a reasonable time just once this week. </p><p>“ Have many many times have you thrown me a energy bar after I nearly fell after a run?” he shouted at Dick who kept lifting way more than he should with his shoulder injured, causing Wally to gritt his teeth just a bit more than he was doing before.  Dick knew all about nutruition, Batman and Alfred had drilled it in his head enough when he was a kid but it was like he had forgotten all about it -like last time.  </p><p>Wally closed his eyes tightly and took in a deep breath. He should shout at Dick all day and all night. He could shout right in front of his face or from the rooftops, nothing he said was going to help...nothing. He was a ghost...a nothing. Only allowed to witness-not act, to respond. not effect. Only able to be, not do. Only able to be... nothing at all.</p><p>If Dick felt any of this hollowness inside of him, Wally might actually understand him, even just a little bit. </p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please let me know your thoughts</p></blockquote></div></div>
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